"I think we need connections." He sits up again to check on Lou, who seems to be sleeping soundly. He rubs his finger against the bottom of her little foot and huffs a laugh when she kicks out at him in her sleep.
"I don't know if this place is ever going to be a country again. I don't really care. But goddamn, life as a porter can get lonely. Seeing people only as holograms. Being seen only as a piece of equipment."
"It is pretty lonely," Higgs agrees. "I used to go days without talking to anyone else. I had a radio, to contact other porters, but that was about it." He sighs.
It's been so long since that was him. He'd met Amelie, and then nothing mattered anymore. "You're pretty chatty tonight, you know. Didn't know you talked to people much at all." It's not accusing or anything, he looks curious as he speaks.
He's never really had anyone to talk to before. There had been Fragile, but that was different. They hadn't been friends. All of their talks had been strictly business. Higgs didn't talk about himself at all with her.
"I don't talk to people much because they don't talk to me. They talk at me, sure. Talk in my direction. But never to me. It always felt like you were talking to me." He shrugs a little, not quite sure himself the reason for his chattiness, as Higgs calls it.
He shifts a bit, a little awkwardly. He'd been a puppet on a string, surely Sam has had people far better to talk to than Higgs?
"Well... you'll have to forgive me when I say I ain't really much for conversation. That was..." talking about it is impossible. So much of it doesn't even feel real. He twists his hands together for a long moment. "That grandstanding shit wasn't really me."
Sam has had... he's not sure what he's had. He guesses he would call them friends. Heartman, and Deadman. Fragile. They all came together for him in the end. But was it for him, or was it to stop the end of the world? Was he just another piece of equipment, like always. He never had been able to tell.
He finally looks at Higgs and says, "I think you're the realest person I've ever talked to."
Higgs doesn't say anything right away. The surprise on his face is evident. He's never had real conversations with people, never really had close friends, let alone people confiding in him.
"Well. I'll listen. I'll listen to anything you tell me, anything you want me to hear."
Amelie had told Higgs about Sam, and just like that his attention had changed entirely. Sam had been the one who consumed his focus, even more so than the Final Stranding. Maybe it was because Amelie had accidentally connected him and Sam in ways She didn't intend. "After all, you did learn of all my secrets."
For a second he worries that he broke Higgs somehow. Like when Higgs had grabbed him by the shoulder and Sam just -- hadn't moved. Didn't even think to move. He still doesn't know why.
"I read your journal," he corrects. "Don't know if those were all your secrets or not." And he sure as hell doesn't know why he keeps talking to Higgs like this. There's just -- something. Maybe Amelie had connected them in a way she hadn't planned on. Forged a bond between them, somehow.
"What do you know about me? About my secrets?" He's been curious to know what Amelie had told him.
He smiles bitterly. "That's pretty much all of 'em. I'm not sure why I wrote so much of that down. I guess I wanted someone to know it. Know who I was." That lonely man who wanted to help people had been a completely different person from the man sent to spur Sam onward whenever possible.
"Well, I know you were meant to be one of the ones to help end the world, as I said. I was told about the whole voidout that destroyed the satellite city you lived in. What else..." he frowns. For someone who had been practically engineered to be the perfect enemy for Sam, he actually doesn't know a whole lot about the man's past. But he knows a lot about how Sam is when he doesn't think anyone else is looking. "I know you were dragged into this against your will."
"I didn't want this. Any of this. This whole saving the the world bullshit. I just wanted to deliver my cargo in peace." He sighs and stretches out on the floor next to Lou, wiggling his finger against her hand so she grips it again.
"She told you what you needed to know. She knew the best bet to getting to me, to keep me going, was to create some sort of danger for herself. So I could go rescue her."
Sam pauses a moment, thoughtful. If Higgs has shared all his secrets, shouldn't Sam share some back? Life is just a series of transactions, after all. "What didn't she tell you, that you wanted to know?"
He can't help the little smile at that baby. It's so different from his own memories, watching Sam interact with the girl. Likely the way it's supposed to be, though he's not so sure how old he was in his earliest memories. "I was exactly what I needed to be; your villain." It makes him feel numb. Who is he, without Amelie? He's not so sure anymore.
He's thrown by the question as he leans against the wall, knees settling further against his chest. "I don't know. Ain't sure what sort of questions to ask, Sammy." Should it be mundane, boring questions? He's never in his life gotten to know someone before.
"Did you ever get sick of it? The whole dog and pony show. Sometimes, when I was more lucid, I wanted nothing more than to be able to quit."
"Oh, fuck yes. I got so fucking tired of being told to be careful, because someone with my skills would be a great loss. Or to watch myself, because the fate of the UCA was riding on me." No one ever asked how he was doing. Dealing with the loss of his mother, dealing with his sister apparently being in mortal peril. They just cared about the mission, and whether or not he was able to complete it.
"I thought of quitting a thousand times. But then she'd be there, looking so sad. So desperate. Begging me to keep going. So I did."
"That's what they do. They chew you up and spit you out. It's why I told them where they could shove their goddamn unified country." He laughs. That had been a fun conversation. The guy he'd told off had turned an incredible shade of red before turning the hologram off. "There's no way the alliance will last more than a few years. It'll collapse in on itself with all the in-fighting."
He sighs. "Not that you need to hear my opinions."
"I don't disagree." Which should probably be weird. And wrong. But Higgs isn't a terrorist, not really. Maybe not really even a separatist, he was just going along with Amelie's plans.
Sam feels sorry for him, really. That's the crux of it. Sam feel sorry for what Higgs went through, because of Amelie. It's a trauma they both share. It gives them a bond, of sorts.
"The country is pretty fucking fragile right now. I think the preppers are gonna pull back out at some point. The rest might follow."
"Edge Knot was never going to go willingly. It's why She destroyed it." To be honest, he's not really sure how he feels like it. Should he be angry? It had spared them in the long run, as far as he's concerned.
He doesn't even really regret what happened to Middle Knot. But that had been his fault. Maybe he should. Maybe he will, when more time has passed.
Fuck, he's a mess. "Once they realize nothing about the world has actually changed, some of 'em are going to back out."
"Nothing has, has it?" All that work he did. Everything he fought for. All worth nothing in the end. He's still too numb from the whole experience to really process that. With more time, he'll be able to be angry about it.
Lucy would say he's dissociating. She'd probably be right.
"Still BTs crawling all over. Timefall hasn't stopped. It's the same shit as always."
"The Final Extinction will still happen. That hadn't change, either. Still days, weeks, months, maybe a few years away from it happening." It could be longer for all he knows, but he doubts it will. Amelie had wanted to end it then and there not so long ago. She's not the sort to wait for an infinite amount of time.
"You didn't stop shit."
He's said the line before. He still means it, maybe even more now.
"I know." He scrubs his hands over his face. Hard. Fuck, he feels useless. If anything he's just accelerated the end of the world by spreading the chiral network.
"They kept singing my praises at the inauguration and all the shit leading up to it. The unsung hero, who helped reunite the country. Made me sick to my stomach."
"They're honouring her. They made these -- medals, almost. These fucking lapel pins that look like her quipu and I wanted to rip every single one of them off their fucking chests."
Lou fusses as Sam raises his voice, bitter and angry and so, so hurt.
He picks Lou up to hold her against his chest, nose buried against the sparse sprinkling of hair on the top of her head. Humming the lullaby to her gently. To soothe himself as much as her.
Horrible for Sam, horrible for himself, horrible in general... he really doesn't know. It just makes him feel hopeless, is all, especially when Sam cradles his kid in his arms like that. She's so tiny, so vulnerable.
He looks around the place awkwardly. All he's got are a bunch of books, empty boxes of pizza, and a huge wall of pictures of Sam. There's not much else for him to do, besides maybe wander into the front and rummage through all the miscellaneous shit he has.
Higgs doesn't move yet, though, instead looking horribly awkward and at a loss.
It takes him a few minutes of rubbing Lou's back to feel ready to let her go again, and he nestles her back into her makeshift bed.
"It's fucked, isn't it?" he says, finally. "They're so concerned about their goddamned UCA that they can't let the people know that the person that pushed for it was a fucking monster."
"I'm not surprised. You think people would stick around if they found out the secret to keeping the country together was experimentin' on children?" He sighs.
"Buncha people livin' in blissful ignorance, all of them."
"Or that she was the one causing all the attacks and voidouts." Through Higgs, technically, but still. Sam's coming to realize that Higgs is no more to blame in this than he is. They both believed in Amelie so fiercely, they were willing to do anything she asked.
"It's not even worth telling them. Easier to wait out our days til the event happens."
"That's..." he cuts himself off. He looks distraught, frowning deeply. "Homo demens were around before me. Are still around now. The attacks will continue."
Nothing has changed at all. The world remains exactly the same as it was before Sam had ever been forcefully recruited. "Only real question is how long we've got. I found it more comforting when I knew it was going to be immediate."
"Shit. Well, they'll have to find another porter to order around. To convince that the UCA is worth fighting for." He's out of the game. Retired. He snorts lightly and shakes his head at himself. Porters never really retire, but maybe he'll be the first. He and Higgs.
"Could be days. Could be centuries. You might not have to worry about it at all."
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"I don't know if this place is ever going to be a country again. I don't really care. But goddamn, life as a porter can get lonely. Seeing people only as holograms. Being seen only as a piece of equipment."
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It's been so long since that was him. He'd met Amelie, and then nothing mattered anymore. "You're pretty chatty tonight, you know. Didn't know you talked to people much at all." It's not accusing or anything, he looks curious as he speaks.
He's never really had anyone to talk to before. There had been Fragile, but that was different. They hadn't been friends. All of their talks had been strictly business. Higgs didn't talk about himself at all with her.
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Maybe he's been lonelier than he thought.
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He shifts a bit, a little awkwardly. He'd been a puppet on a string, surely Sam has had people far better to talk to than Higgs?
"Well... you'll have to forgive me when I say I ain't really much for conversation. That was..." talking about it is impossible. So much of it doesn't even feel real. He twists his hands together for a long moment. "That grandstanding shit wasn't really me."
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He finally looks at Higgs and says, "I think you're the realest person I've ever talked to."
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"Well. I'll listen. I'll listen to anything you tell me, anything you want me to hear."
Amelie had told Higgs about Sam, and just like that his attention had changed entirely. Sam had been the one who consumed his focus, even more so than the Final Stranding. Maybe it was because Amelie had accidentally connected him and Sam in ways She didn't intend. "After all, you did learn of all my secrets."
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"I read your journal," he corrects. "Don't know if those were all your secrets or not." And he sure as hell doesn't know why he keeps talking to Higgs like this. There's just -- something. Maybe Amelie had connected them in a way she hadn't planned on. Forged a bond between them, somehow.
"What do you know about me? About my secrets?" He's been curious to know what Amelie had told him.
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"Well, I know you were meant to be one of the ones to help end the world, as I said. I was told about the whole voidout that destroyed the satellite city you lived in. What else..." he frowns. For someone who had been practically engineered to be the perfect enemy for Sam, he actually doesn't know a whole lot about the man's past. But he knows a lot about how Sam is when he doesn't think anyone else is looking. "I know you were dragged into this against your will."
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"She told you what you needed to know. She knew the best bet to getting to me, to keep me going, was to create some sort of danger for herself. So I could go rescue her."
Sam pauses a moment, thoughtful. If Higgs has shared all his secrets, shouldn't Sam share some back? Life is just a series of transactions, after all. "What didn't she tell you, that you wanted to know?"
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He's thrown by the question as he leans against the wall, knees settling further against his chest. "I don't know. Ain't sure what sort of questions to ask, Sammy." Should it be mundane, boring questions? He's never in his life gotten to know someone before.
"Did you ever get sick of it? The whole dog and pony show. Sometimes, when I was more lucid, I wanted nothing more than to be able to quit."
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"I thought of quitting a thousand times. But then she'd be there, looking so sad. So desperate. Begging me to keep going. So I did."
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He sighs. "Not that you need to hear my opinions."
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Sam feels sorry for him, really. That's the crux of it. Sam feel sorry for what Higgs went through, because of Amelie. It's a trauma they both share. It gives them a bond, of sorts.
"The country is pretty fucking fragile right now. I think the preppers are gonna pull back out at some point. The rest might follow."
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He doesn't even really regret what happened to Middle Knot. But that had been his fault. Maybe he should. Maybe he will, when more time has passed.
Fuck, he's a mess. "Once they realize nothing about the world has actually changed, some of 'em are going to back out."
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Lucy would say he's dissociating. She'd probably be right.
"Still BTs crawling all over. Timefall hasn't stopped. It's the same shit as always."
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"You didn't stop shit."
He's said the line before. He still means it, maybe even more now.
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"They kept singing my praises at the inauguration and all the shit leading up to it. The unsung hero, who helped reunite the country. Made me sick to my stomach."
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He stretches out his long limbs. "They needed an enemy to defeat, and it couldn't be Her."
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Lou fusses as Sam raises his voice, bitter and angry and so, so hurt.
He picks Lou up to hold her against his chest, nose buried against the sparse sprinkling of hair on the top of her head. Humming the lullaby to her gently. To soothe himself as much as her.
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Horrible for Sam, horrible for himself, horrible in general... he really doesn't know. It just makes him feel hopeless, is all, especially when Sam cradles his kid in his arms like that. She's so tiny, so vulnerable.
He looks around the place awkwardly. All he's got are a bunch of books, empty boxes of pizza, and a huge wall of pictures of Sam. There's not much else for him to do, besides maybe wander into the front and rummage through all the miscellaneous shit he has.
Higgs doesn't move yet, though, instead looking horribly awkward and at a loss.
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"It's fucked, isn't it?" he says, finally. "They're so concerned about their goddamned UCA that they can't let the people know that the person that pushed for it was a fucking monster."
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"Buncha people livin' in blissful ignorance, all of them."
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"It's not even worth telling them. Easier to wait out our days til the event happens."
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Nothing has changed at all. The world remains exactly the same as it was before Sam had ever been forcefully recruited. "Only real question is how long we've got. I found it more comforting when I knew it was going to be immediate."
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"Could be days. Could be centuries. You might not have to worry about it at all."
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